Apparently its summer time and i didnt get the memo... funny how I hadn't paid attention to that till recently. Of course the weather would have started to point that out especially here in LA. Of course once i go back to SF that might be a different story. I guess i've been pretty out of it with everything thats been going on that i'm not sure where to begin and end my days.

I went for a drive today, about the only thing that helps me out these days, aside from the faces of people i want to see and be around. Still i dunno y driving my car is the best thing i can ever do. Let me try to explain.
Im at a red light. The next song on my mix cd comes on. I hear the tones of the guitar come in and i turn up the volume to hear the full blast of the band begin to create such energy driven sounds. Tool-schism. I dont care for the cars around me that turn my way to see that my lil car is making so much noise. I look towards the opposing traffic light to see it turn yellow. Brake. Clutch. First Gear. Look ahead at the traffic light in anticipation for the green. Rev engine. Light changes, green. Clutch out. Gas peddle down. Engine revs. Im thrust back into my seat as i beat everyone off the line, watching cars around me move backwards with my acceleration. engine red line. Clutch. 2nd gear. Clutch out. GAS. I sit back and enjoy the thrust. like a roller coaster going over that first hill when half of the seats are over while waiting for the back seats to shove them forward. Song is blasting at my ears, by now the guitar and bass are in full concert, the double bass pedal of the drummer is pounding my heart and the singers voice expresses all my feelings at once. Clutch. 3rd gear. Clutch. GAS. I look in my rearviewmirror and see the faint view of the cars i left behind trying to catch up. Still siting back in my seat, holding on to my shifter, feeling the vibrations traveling from my engine to my hand. look to my right and only see the blur of buildings, sidewalk, street lights, trees, and pedestrians flashing past me. feel the road with my left hand, gripping the steering wheel. every bump transfers its energy through the front tires, on to the steering wheel column and into my hand. rev high. clutch. 4th gear. clutch. GAS. the rollercoaster is now heading down that big hill with the full force of all the seats behind it. The blaring song fuels the passion of my foot as it presses the gas pedal to the metal. now anyway i look is a blur but straight. Focus. my speedometer keeps climbing. both hands at the wheel. we are one, i feel what she feels. both are hearts beat fast and true. the air blazing past us with no remorse. For an instant i thought i should slow down, but i can't. she wont let me. and i dont want to.

The city is cool i have to say... its hard not to like it here. still i haven't come to love it. there is more to see and experience. its just hard not to share that experience with someone. This is def more time for me to figure myself out i guess. I think i know myself really well, pretty sure of myself, but somehow i have a small feeling that i have yet to find that one small thing that is in the deepest recesses of myself, that which makes me complete. i Just thought this picture and song represent what im feeling right now, if you get it you'll get it, if not i dunno.




Just feel like this song today. Its a weird feeling of I just want to go and not be here. Not worry about anything, not deal with any drama or have to think about all the bullshit that goes on in life. Just be free and see what i want to see, what i want to feel, be what i want to be. And its not that im running away from anything or everything, i just want to experience new things.

so lets see whats happened since i last posted on here. Ummm well had christmas break i guess that's the biggest news. And it was great, legen...dairy. Yea spent a lot of time with the family and friends. Had a sweet ass reunion with friends from home... drinking and doing other crazy stuff. Funny how my mom always thinks i do worse things with my friends from ucla than with friends from home, even though i do crazier shit with friends from home lol. Anway yea drove down, and chilled most of the time. christmas and new years was good. it was great being home again. of course being there for a month was both awesome and yet a lil distressing because i had to leave as well. still i guess im greatfull and really appreciated the time i had with the people i love. Feel like i do more now that im away from them and don't see them everyday like i used to. Just hope they feel the same way about me when i come visit.

I will say this i love my car so much and im proud that it made it there and back with so much weight i had on it. I swear never getting rid of Pearl. I've done the trip south and back at least 10 times already and she's still running good. Course she has her moments when she pisses me off but what car doesn't do that at some point. Still my philosophy is you take care of the car and it will take care of you. I know some people wonder why i still drive her, but hey she saved my life on more than one occasion and a really big occasion as well, im sorry but i can't give that up, no way no how. Even if i put more money into her than people might think she's worth but she's worth a lot more to me.

Anyway yea back in sf, back to school. we'll see how this semester goes. not exactly looking forward to it but after one semester of grad school i think i know what to expect now and will def try harder. Job search continues as well, even though i started substitute teaching, i need a more stable job that can keep me on my feet better. We'll see how it goes. Have high hopes and good spirits just gotta get 'er done.

so school is sucking man. seriously, dunno what the hell i was thinking when i decided to come back to school. Stressing me out cause i have shit to do and i can't find the will to break this procrastination and get in gear to finish it all in time or before hand so i don't have to worry about it later. Really sucks. Pissing me off too. ok see if i can back to work.

well thats few weeks have been going alright. October was pretty dam crazy for me just busy too. Pretty much a mixture of driving back home for bdays or friends coming to visit me. good times. And at the end of it all it seems wierd and kinda depressing that I sit in my room alone again. I dunno I miss LA but most importantly I miss the people I know there, my family and friends, I guess just the familiartiy of it all. Thats probably whats the hardest part about me being out here is that this place still seems more strange than familiar. It still doesn't feel like its my home completly, more like Im visiting for a long period of time. I know some of you might think that its a bit restrictive and dumb that I still feel this way and that I should really let go and make SF my home, but not for me. I mean i do agree that I should accept it more and I think I am slowly in a lot of ways but I've never been great with change even though things change a lot and change all the time. I guess it feels a lot like graduation still where people go thier ways and even though you remain friends its not the same as hanging out or being near eachother to be part of eachothers lives. I mean you talk but you don't really talk the same way as you would when you were close to eachother and knew about what they are talking about. Even harder when you leave people that you wonder what things would be like if we were nearer to eachother. Guess its all part of the experience of life, but i don't think i will ever get used to it.

Dunno how i found this but probably best version of the song I have seen or heard lol.

Just found this version of "Black" by Pearl Jam. My Favorite song of all time from my favorite Band. Dunno y but I can listen to this song at any moment and it just gets to me in different ways. From sadness to excited to feeling awesome, I dunno freakin powerful song.

so today i went to the "safeway" near my house to buy some groceries so i can have something to eat and spend so much money on food. Anyway i found what i needed and went to pay. Once i got there, there was a shift change i guess and it went from an older asian lady to this white dude in his twenties i guess, who spent most of his time on his blackberry texting or something. 

So yea he scans my stuff and then asks me "do you have a safeway card?"

me: "no"

dude:"would you like one? its free and easy"

me:"umm sure"

dude:"just move here?"

me:"yea"

dude:"where from?"

me:"from LA"

dude:"huh" (with this superiority complex look on his face, kinda disgust), do you have a vons card down there? you can input the same number here."

me:"oh alright"

dude:"still want the safeway card?"

me:"nah im cool"

Needless to say when he looked at me like "dude you suck", I looked at him like "fuck you man". the only reason y this bothered me was because thats the kind of reaction i get every time i say i'm from LA. I mean i don't mind that im an outsider, i have been before but people out here seem so royalist about it, so utopian, as if San Francisco was this great all encompassing and tolerant place. Its different yes i will admit that. But honestly it feels like a city sized version of UCLA in some ways. Seriously most if not all of the people i've see here have been either asian or white. Of course there is the smaller mixture of minority groups like latinos, but its pretty self evident that there is some kind of segregation, but not completely. I mean there is a mixture with in the segregation, but the difference is still there. And black people well all i can do is quote "today i realized how you did it, you but all them nigers on the other side of that bridge". Anyway i digress.

I dunno if its just me or no one else see's it, but yea being an outsider around here just seems like your not good enough to be here kinda thing. Course the doesn't go for all people. I have met and conversed with some people that have been cool and welcoming but in the majority i can't say that is the way it is.