so school is sucking man. seriously, dunno what the hell i was thinking when i decided to come back to school. Stressing me out cause i have shit to do and i can't find the will to break this procrastination and get in gear to finish it all in time or before hand so i don't have to worry about it later. Really sucks. Pissing me off too. ok see if i can back to work.

well thats few weeks have been going alright. October was pretty dam crazy for me just busy too. Pretty much a mixture of driving back home for bdays or friends coming to visit me. good times. And at the end of it all it seems wierd and kinda depressing that I sit in my room alone again. I dunno I miss LA but most importantly I miss the people I know there, my family and friends, I guess just the familiartiy of it all. Thats probably whats the hardest part about me being out here is that this place still seems more strange than familiar. It still doesn't feel like its my home completly, more like Im visiting for a long period of time. I know some of you might think that its a bit restrictive and dumb that I still feel this way and that I should really let go and make SF my home, but not for me. I mean i do agree that I should accept it more and I think I am slowly in a lot of ways but I've never been great with change even though things change a lot and change all the time. I guess it feels a lot like graduation still where people go thier ways and even though you remain friends its not the same as hanging out or being near eachother to be part of eachothers lives. I mean you talk but you don't really talk the same way as you would when you were close to eachother and knew about what they are talking about. Even harder when you leave people that you wonder what things would be like if we were nearer to eachother. Guess its all part of the experience of life, but i don't think i will ever get used to it.

Dunno how i found this but probably best version of the song I have seen or heard lol.

Just found this version of "Black" by Pearl Jam. My Favorite song of all time from my favorite Band. Dunno y but I can listen to this song at any moment and it just gets to me in different ways. From sadness to excited to feeling awesome, I dunno freakin powerful song.

so today i went to the "safeway" near my house to buy some groceries so i can have something to eat and spend so much money on food. Anyway i found what i needed and went to pay. Once i got there, there was a shift change i guess and it went from an older asian lady to this white dude in his twenties i guess, who spent most of his time on his blackberry texting or something. 

So yea he scans my stuff and then asks me "do you have a safeway card?"

me: "no"

dude:"would you like one? its free and easy"

me:"umm sure"

dude:"just move here?"

me:"yea"

dude:"where from?"

me:"from LA"

dude:"huh" (with this superiority complex look on his face, kinda disgust), do you have a vons card down there? you can input the same number here."

me:"oh alright"

dude:"still want the safeway card?"

me:"nah im cool"

Needless to say when he looked at me like "dude you suck", I looked at him like "fuck you man". the only reason y this bothered me was because thats the kind of reaction i get every time i say i'm from LA. I mean i don't mind that im an outsider, i have been before but people out here seem so royalist about it, so utopian, as if San Francisco was this great all encompassing and tolerant place. Its different yes i will admit that. But honestly it feels like a city sized version of UCLA in some ways. Seriously most if not all of the people i've see here have been either asian or white. Of course there is the smaller mixture of minority groups like latinos, but its pretty self evident that there is some kind of segregation, but not completely. I mean there is a mixture with in the segregation, but the difference is still there. And black people well all i can do is quote "today i realized how you did it, you but all them nigers on the other side of that bridge". Anyway i digress.

I dunno if its just me or no one else see's it, but yea being an outsider around here just seems like your not good enough to be here kinda thing. Course the doesn't go for all people. I have met and conversed with some people that have been cool and welcoming but in the majority i can't say that is the way it is. 

It is the Springtime of my loving
the second season I am to Know
You are the sunlight of my growing
I watched the fire that grew so low

It is the summer of my smiles
flee from me Keepers of the Gloom
Speak to me only wit your eyes.. It is to you I give this tune
Ain't so hard to recognize
these things are clear to all from time to time

Talk talk
I Felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go
I cursed the gloom that set upon us....
But I know that I Love you so

These are the seasons of emotions
and like the weinds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion
I seek the torch we all must hold
This is the mystery of the quotient
upon us all a little rain must fall....
Its just a little rain.....