I felt like this for a while.... but hearts and thoughts they fade... fade away. And have started to.



Beatles- Don't Bother Me

Since she's been gone I want no one to talk to me.
It's not the same but I'm to blame, it's plain to see.

So go away, leave me alone, don't bother me.

I can't believe that she would leave me on my own.
It's just not right when every night I'm all alone.

I've got no time for you right now, don't bother me.

I know I'll never be the same if I don't get her back again.
Because I know she'll always be the only girl for me.

But 'till she's here please don't come near, just stay away.
I'll let you know when she's come home. until that day,

Don't come around, leave me alone, don't bother me.

I've got no time for you right now, don't bother me.

I know I'll never be the same if I don't get her back again.
Because I know she'll always be the only girl for me.

But 'till she's here please don't come near, just stay away.
I'll let you know when she's come home. until that day,

Don't come around, leave me alone, don't bother me.
Don't bother me.
Don't bother me.
Don't bother me.
Don't bother me.

So this weekend was good! went to Santa Maria which is about 3 hours north from here, a lil north of Santa Barbara. Went to visit some family that we hadn't seen in a while so that was good. I dunno its always cool to see them cause we have pretty much grown up togther and whatever we do we always have fun no matter how old we've gotten. The only thing about santa maria is that there isn't much to do there. They do have Boomers! so we spent a lot of time there. Hit the batting cages for a while, ended up getting a fat blister on my thumb that takes up almost half of it, its a cool battle scar. Went go-cart riding to so that is always fun because we always race and bumb into eachother for the hell of it, lol. Of course miniture golf is always fun, i sucked though, next time i'll do better. Just a lot of memories i guess messed up my game. Anyway school sucks and is depressing the hell out me. lol the weather isn't helping either, lol. But onward we go i guess. Just trying to survive and stay ahead of rain once again.

I drive a porch

Porch-Pearl Jam
What the fuck is this world
Running to? You didn't
Leave a message
At least I could have
Learned your voice one last time.
Daily minefield
This could be my time
How 'bout you?
Would you hit me?
Would you hit me?

All the bills go by
And initiatives are taken up
By the middle
There ain't gonna be any middle any more
And the cross I'm bearing home
Ain't indicative of my place
Left the porch
Left the porch

Hear my name
Take a good look
This could be the day
Hold my hand
Walk beside me
I just need to say...

Hear my name
Take a good look
This could be the day
Hold my hand
Lie beside me
I just need to say
What can I take?
I just want to be
I know that i would not ever touch you
Hold you
Feel you
Ever hold
Never again

im trying to write a song... dunno... its hard, i mean i have many things to say yet i just can't put them down on paper or in order, so confused and heart ached to get things right. Been playin with my friends band here and there, asked me if i had anything we could play.... told them i was working on stuff, mostly had the music down but no set lyrics to the songs. Been listening to a lot of pearl jam, but of course i always do that. Eddie vedder is a lyrical genius. He can say and portray any feeling he wants when he wants and make you feel it when you listen to thier songs. Guess i just relate the most to them than any other band and any point in my life, highs and lows. Anyway this lyric thing is killing me... but onward i go.

man i dunno why she keeps getting to me. I dunno why even though I know I shouldn't and should try and move on and not put this on hold, I still just stop the world for her or I just pause when I think of her. I dunno, she is putting me through this and what do I have to show for it?? Nothing just headaches and worries , disillusion of what was and could be, a broken heart. I mean what the fuck!! And it just pistes me off that for the first time in my life its taking me a long time to try and not think of something or let it dwell in me for long. Had this been the old me I would have moved on a long time ago. Im just frustrated with this whole thing and upset that one i didn't see it comming, that its out of my hands, and that its still bothering the hell out of me when i thought i was finally starting to look ahead. I mean i go and have fun with friends and other girls but still, why is this still so fresh in my head and i feel like since it happened i'm numb to anything else out there even though im trying to get out there and somehow past this. I get so mad at myself, cause i mean i tell her to figure her shit out and have given her shit for not knowing and being "confused", yet at the same time i can seem to handle this shit and i don't know what to do. At the same time I feel like im being more of the mature one here and actually thinking about it and trying to figure it out and she is being selfish and immature about the whole thing you know. AHHHHH!!!!! fuck!! I don't even know what to do with myself right now! I just gotta stop doing things for her, gotta stop thinking about her, gotta try and get the most beautiful eyes i have seen out of my god dam head! Not to forget but to keep me sane!! why??? WHY????

so i almost died today.... lol it was actually quit funny. I was riding down janess steps on my bike and normally i go slow and just take my time. But i decided to go a lil faster this time. Now i usually use my rear brakes to slow me down while im going down but today i was riding down and i dunno what this person was thinking but i was going down next to someone and another person was walking down behind the other person and thier dumbass decided to cut me off instead of walking around the slow person on the other side. Natrually i went to slow down and i pressed on my rear breaks pretty hard which froze the rear wheel and didn't quite get me to slow down more just slide down so the only other option was the front brakes. I quickly went to press on the front brakes and when i did i knew it was a bad idea but i had to slow down!! So front brakes it is and as soon as i did that my back wheel leaves the stairs and rises up... i was thinking "oh man this is it im gonna eat it so bad".... "you fucken idiot, and down some long as stairs too!!".................. well i didn't!
Seriously i went down about 6 or 8 stairs on my front wheel!! I fucken kamakazi'd it!!! After those steps i finally got enough balance to put my back end down and finish off janess steps right. I swear i wish i had a pic or movie of that cause it was awsome. Near death experiences are always great!

What Im scared about.....

Whatsername-Green Day

Thought I ran into you down on the street
Then it turned out to only be a dream
I made a point to burn all of the photographs
She went away and then I took a different path
Now I wonder how whatsername has been

Seems that she disappeared without a trace
Did she marry old what’s his face
I made a point to burn all of the photographs
She went away and then I took a different path
I remember the face. But I can’t recall the name
Now I wonder how whatsername has been

Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
The regrets are useless, in my head
I must confess, the regrets are useless
She’s in my head
From so long ago ...and in the darkest night
If my memory serves me right
I’ll never turn back time
Forgetting you, but not the time

If she ever reads this... this is for her

COME BACK-Pearl Jam

If I keep holding out,... will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof,... it's only rain that I feel
I've been waiting out the days,... Come Back.

I have been planning out,... All that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away,... Know that I still remain true
I've been wishing out the days,..

Please say, that if you hadn't of gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are,.... Come Back.

And these days, they linger on
And I'm the night, as I'm waiting on
The real possibility I may meet you in my dream
I go to sleep

If I don't fall apart,.... will the memories stay clear
So you had to go,......... and I had to remain here

But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I'm not gonna question it any other way

There must be an open door
For you to
Come Back

And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I'm waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream

And sometimes you're there
And you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me

And it's okay.

It's okay.
It's okay.

I'll be here
Come Back
Come Back

I'll be here
Come Back
Come Back

I'll be here
Come Back
Come Back

so this weekend was good. A much needed little break from all the chaos thats been going on in my life. So I went up north with a group of my friends and co-workers to visit an old friend of ours and to go to the Cal vs Ucla game on saturday. Like always good times just hanging out with friends, kinda like the old days i guess. Of course we stopped by Harris Ranch, a classy restaurant that is apperently kinda famous for their fresh STEAK!! really fresh apperently cause it sure stinks like cows outside. Its on the five on the way up north, about half way just right before you pass the tree line and the unmastakable scent of cow shit hits your nose and you see the massive camps of cows on your right side and didn't have enough time to roll up your windows or close your vents to your a/c. But aside from that the steak was good! and new castle on tap! So rich and tasty. So anyway weekend was good full of beer and spider bites and big screen tv and best reclinable chair ever and breakfast!! and sausages and football and broken glasses and walking and getting our asses kicked at football and freezing, what else can you ask for. It was a lot of fun and kinda bummed the weekend ended cause monday i had a midterm that i didn't study for till about 3 hours before and thurs i have another one which i should be studing for. lol. ONly bad things was that i was so close to someone i wanted to see so much and she ignored me completly the entire weekend, i mean just memories started comming back and the will to see her too, espcially being there but being with friends helped alot and made me realize a couple of things, so that was good. But yeah think i'll stick to hanging with friends for now.

The song thats been keeping me going.

Present Tense- Pearl Jam
Do you see the way that tree bends?
Does it inspire?
Leaning out to catch the sun's rays
A lesson to be applied
Are you getting something out of this all-encompassing trip?

You can spend your time alone, re-digesting past regrets, oh
Or you can come to terms and realize
You're the only one who can't forgive yourself, oh
Makes much more sense, to live in the present tense

Have you ideas on how this life ends?
Checked your hands and studied the lines
Have you the belief that the road ahead, ascends off into the light?
Seems that needlessly it's getting harder
To find an approach and a way to live
Are we getting something out of this all-encompassing trip?

You can spend your time alone re-digesting past regrets, oh
Or you can come to terms and realize
You're the only one who cannot forgive yourself, oh
Makes much more sense, to live in the present tense

so yesterday turned out pretty cool. the afternoon wasn't the best and really thought i should just go home and sleep because i was really tired for some reason, but im glad i stuck around and hanged out with friends till the real fun kicked in. Beer at brew co. started the night, Lindas b-day was yesterday too so you know I had to get her some fun cause its her 21st and it was halloween! So we took a shot, of what i don't remember, but it was good, got her all pink, just the way it was meant to be. After that was when i debated weather to go home and crash or stick around and was on my way when my friend called and so my good night kicked in. Drinking and parting ensude with ramdom as people. Of course stupid people would be present but the distraction was much needed i would say. And of course the view was never bad as halloween works its magic in bringing out the slutiness in girls costums. That and of course the fonz rarly ignores the oppertunity for some fun. In the end well enjoyed and satisfied the ride home wasn't bad and the loneliness of the drive with my engine roaring and the music blasting is an occasion that never fails to please.